So Sorry
by Psamathe
Summary: Sam receives a letter. AU.
1. Chapter 1

'Dear Sam, 

Please don't hate me, but I can't do this. I know I said it was what I wanted, and it was… believe me… But every time I look at our little girl I realise that I'm not fit to be her father. I thought I was ready to be a dad, but I'm not.

Nothing I do seems to make her happy. Every time she cries I want to run away screaming because I can't get her to stop. I can't change her diapers without wanting to throw up. You're so good at being a mom I feel like you don't need me at all. I mean, what can I teach her? How to hold a gun?

It's better that I go away. Not forever, just for a while… maybe. I don't know when I'll be back. I'll send you some money when I can. Don't try to find me.

All my love'

Rereading the note Sam just shook her head. She didn't know what to think, what to feel… not anymore. For one of the rare times in her life, Samantha Carter just didn't understand. The anger she'd felt when she'd found the paper on the pillow had evaporated. She was just confused. Looking down at her daughter, she couldn't comprehend how anyone could leave anything so beautiful.

"And he was supposed to be the safe bet," she whispered to herself.

The little girl in the crib started to fuss. A prelude to a full-blown screaming fit so Sam scooped her baby up into her arms. She was only five weeks old. She'd done nothing to deserve this.

"Shhh…" Sam soothed, rocking her back and forth. Emily… they'd named her for his mother.

Looking, back she realised that she should have seen the signs. He'd never picked Emily up… at least not voluntarily. Sam realised that she didn't have one picture of him with the baby… not even during the post-birth photo frenzy. He'd started working late, not getting home until Sam had put Emily down for the night... To think that she'd actually believed his bullshit about an important case.

Still clutching Emily to her chest, Sam moved to the window, staring out at the street, at the stars. She'd given it all up for the chance to have a child. The Military, the Stargate… her friends. Here she was, living in the Colorado Springs version of Stepford. She had it all, the house with the yellow kitchen, the white picket fence and the dog. All she needed was the other 1.4 child to present an image of domestic perfection.

And it was all so, so wrong.

A car drove slowly down the street. For a second the sight of the dark vehicle made Sam's heart beat a little faster, but it moved past and disappeared into the darkness. How long would this go on, she wondered. She didn't expect him back, and yet… Resolutely, Sam turned away from the window. They were on their own, and it was about time she accepted the cold, hard facts.

"Better get used to it," she said to Emily. The little girl gurgled in reply as she tried to eat her fist.

These moments were so precious, Sam realised as she put her daughter down for the night. Frozen in her contemplation of her daughter's perfection, Sam almost didn't hear the phone. Even when she did, she was tempted to ignore it. She didn't want to talk to anyone right now… her husband least of all.

But it wasn't him.

The voice was achingly familiar and Sam found herself holding back the tears as he offered his sincere congratulations. It was the first time they had spoken since Emily had been born, since Sam had gotten married. But even hundreds of miles away, it seemed that he could sense when something was wrong

"Carter?" he said.

The single word was her undoing.

"I'm sorry, sir," she sobbed over and over.

"Hang in there, I'm on my way."

Sam couldn't stop crying. It had to be the hormones, she decided. The pregnancy had played havoc with her body. And sooner than she could have ever expected, he was there. Standing outside her door, in his dress blues, hair all over the place… and suddenly Sam didn't want to cry anymore.

"Where's Pete?" he asked.

She handed him the note.

"Rat bastard!"

Sam was too tired to care. Pete was gone, and she had no desire to see him back. He'd had his chance and he'd blown it.

"It doesn't matter," she said.

Her marriage vows had been meaningless, she realised. There was only one man who had told her always and actually meant it. That man, Jack O'Neill, was standing right in front of her.

"You look like crap. Why don't you get some sleep?" he said.

"Emily…," Sam offered a weak protest.

"I'll listen out for her."

How could she do this? How could she trust her daughter to this man? He didn't even know Emily. Yet Sam found herself being guided towards her bedroom. It was a reflex action, she decided. Obeying Jack was automatic but she couldn't deny that sleep would be very welcome right now. Pete had never gotten up in the night to see to Emily.

Another sign.

So stupid.

Stupid for marrying Pete…

For letting Jack go.

For breaking his heart.

"I'm sorry," she said again even though there was no one to hear her.


	2. Chapter 2

When Sam awoke, the house was silent. No baby crying. No husband swearing. Sam was tempted to stay in bed a little longer, but since she'd left General O'Neill holding the baby… literally... She was surprised she'd slept so long and so well. Usually her body was tuned to every sound her daughter made. Then she realised she'd forgotten to take the baby monitor to bed with her. Which meant Jack had been alone with Emily for… She glanced at the clock… 1400. Crap! Sam threw on her robe and headed for the baby's room. 

She wasn't quite prepared for the sight that met her eyes.

Over the years, Sam had formed the impression that General O'Neill was good with children. It wasn't an unfair assumption. Jack had a magnetic attraction for anyone under twelve. He seemed to be able to keep them occupied with the kind of effortless confidence that made Sam envious. However, it was clear from the state of the room that babies weren't so much his thing.

His efforts to change diapers were laudable, but he'd obviously made several attempts each time he'd done it. There was a week's supply strewn across the room. Mixed with toys, baby clothes and bottles it looked like the room had been hit by a very small tornado. And sitting in the middle of it all was Jack.

Jack was naked from the chest up, the reason was a uniform shirt covered in baby vomit, which was currently slung over the crib. Holding Emily awkwardly in one arm whilst bottle feeding her with the other, he had his cell phone clutched under his chin and Sam suspected he was talking to the President. Emily was suckling greedily, albeit while staring at him with a 'who the hell are you' expression.

"No sir, I don't know when I'm going to be back. A couple of days at least…" Jack was saying, grinning up at Sam. He was so proud of himself.

Taking pity on him, Sam gently removed Emily from his arms, leaving him free to finish his phone conversation. The baby gave a little belch as if to say, 'that's better, back in the hands of a professional'.

"Yes sir, yes sir… yes sir… I'll do that, sir," Jack went on, standing up and stretching his aching knees.

Sam wondered exactly what Jack had had to promise in order to spend this time with her.

"President Hayes says hi," he said as he snapped his cell phone shut. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," Sam admitted.

It was amazing what twelve hours sleep could do. She felt so much more in control. And it was time to start making some plans.

"There's a clean T-shirt in the bottom drawer of the dresser," she offered.

Not that there was anything wrong with Jack walking around half-naked but it was a little distracting.

"It's one of mine," she added when he looked a little uncomfortable.

"Mind if I take a shower?" he asked.

"Go ahead."

Pete's clothes were still hanging in the wardrobe, but that would change fairly soon. The local homeless shelter would be grateful for the donation. Sam was already making a mental list of the things she had to do to get her life back on track. Go see her lawyer, beg Landry to give her a job … arrange for childcare. And she wanted to sell this house. She'd never really liked it. Somehow, it had never felt like home.

"She looks like you," Jack said.

Dressed in his uniform pants and her USAF T-shirt, hair damp from the shower, he looked less formal than she'd ever seen him.

"You think?" Sam asked, "I'm not so sure."

Certainly, Emily's eyes were blue and what hair she had was blonde, but that would probably change. Sam knew that, if she looked really hard, she could see traces of Pete in her baby's features. And she couldn't ignore the subtle pain in Jack's eyes… he saw it too.

"Well, she's beautiful," he said.

"I know," Sam smiled.

Said baby belched and puked up a little. With a laugh, Sam cleaned Emily up and burped her, Jack watching her every move. She knew the question he was aching to ask and it hurt her just as much to give him the answer.

"I'm sure," she said.

"I just thought that maybe… the timing…"

Sam shook her head.

They hadn't really talked about this… hell they hadn't talked at all since she'd found out she was pregnant. Jack hadn't come to the wedding and Sam could hardly blame him.

"Pete and I were trying before the wedding," Sam admitted, "When it fell through the first time, I went back on the pill."

"I had to ask," Jack said, stroking Emily's hair and Sam could see him mentally shutting the door on his own dreams.

She and Jack had shared a wonderful weekend at his cabin, but they'd been careful… very careful. Her life would be a whole lot simpler if they hadn't. It was ironic really. Sam had gone back to Pete because she'd fallen pregnant with Emily. She'd wanted to give him the chance to be a Dad and have a family; two things he hadn't actually wanted after all. And the rest of his vows? Worthless.

At least Jack kept his promises, Sam thought a little wistfully. But she had no claim on him or his time. She had no right to take him away from his job. He could have someone back in Washington for all she knew.

"You don't have to stay," she told Jack. "We'll be fine… really."

"I know you will," he replied, but he didn't look like he was about to rush out of the door. His faith in her was still as strong as ever and somehow, it gave Sam hope.

"So what now?"

He appeared to think for a moment before saying,

"I was thinking pizza and a movie? Teal'c still has Star Wars."

"That would be perfect, sir."


	3. Chapter 3

Sam locked the door to the cabin with a certain amount of regret. She and Emily had enjoyed their sojourn here, but it was time to go home.

It was beautiful here there was no doubt about that and they had spent their days in glorious solitude. Sam had watched her daughter change and grow so much over the past two weeks. She still couldn't understand why Pete had chosen to turn his back on the miracle they had created, but at least she had managed to find a measure of peace.

Sometimes she'd wished that Jack had been able to join them. And sometimes she was glad that he hadn't. Sam had needed this time alone. If nothing else, Sam had wanted to prove to herself that she could cope with single motherhood… and that she didn't need anyone. If Jack had been here, she would have been tempted to fall into bed with him. Sam didn't want another relationship, not yet, not when the wounds of her failed marriage were still so raw. They would have ended up hurting each other. Sam wasn't about to screw this up… not again. So, she'd accepted his offer for what it was… a place to escape from the world.

A place to gather her thoughts and reassess her life.

A place to get to know her daughter.

A place to be alone.

Sam enjoyed the drive back to Colorado Springs. Emily was like her Mom, she loved being in the car. They stopped overnight at a crappy motel, but Sam didn't care. She was actually glad to be going home.

It was dark when they pulled up outside the house. Sam hadn't been attempting to break any land speed records on the way back, not with Emily in the car. The little girl was asleep in her seat, but she stirred as Sam lifted her out.

"Shhh, sweetie" Sam soothed as she tried to quiet the baby grumbles. She really didn't want Emily to start a full blown crying fit. Not here in the street. The last thing she wanted was for some nosy neighbour to appear and ask her where that 'nice' husband was. Sam knew she'd be forced to smile and lie. She wasn't really up to explaining her situation to complete strangers … not yet. It had been hard enough to tell her friends. She would never forget the look of pity in Daniel's eyes, or Teal'c's vow to avenge her honour. At least Jack had…

Damn.

He wasn't whom she wanted to think about right now. He'd be round any time soon, to pick up the keys to the cabin. At least that was the excuse he'd given her and it was the one she was sticking to … should anyone ask. And she hoped that no one happened to be looking out of their window when he came to the door.

Emily whimpered again and Sam hurried to carry her inside. The rest of the stuff could wait until morning. There was no travelling light when you had a baby.

"You hungry?" Sam whispered, seating herself on the couch and reaching for the straps of her nursing bra.

Emily immediately latched onto Sam's breast, suckling with all the fervour Sam had come to expect from her daughter. The child could certainly eat. Sam settled back, still fascinated by everything Emily did. She was so enthralled by her baby that Sam failed to notice that she'd left the front door open… or that Jack had walked in unannounced. Only the sudden feeling that she wasn't alone caused Sam to raise her eyes and meet his.

"The door was open," he said, taking a few steps towards her.

Sam smiled at him. She had expected to be embarrassed, but she wasn't. Somehow, it seemed perfectly natural for Jack to see her this way. It was only as he moved closer that Sam noticed the expression on his face. He'd obviously been having a heart-to-heart with Daniel.

"Sir?" she questioned.

Their eyes met, taking Sam's breath away with the intimacy of the connection. But the union only lasted a fraction of a second before Jack turned away.

"It's okay," Sam told him.

"I just came for the keys," he said, "I should go."

How could he possibly think that she didn't want him here? Or was he just giving her the chance to get rid of him if she wanted?

"Stay," she said, "for a little while."

'To hell with the neighbours,' she thought. 'To hell with everything.' First and foremost, Jack was her friend and she wasn't about to throw him out.

"Do you need anything?" he offered.

She wanted to tell him no. She wanted to tell him that everything she needed was right here but all she said was,

"Kung po chicken, egg fried rice … menu's by the phone."

"I got it."

Sam put Emily to bed just as the food arrived. Lulled by the trip in the car and a full stomach, the little girl went to sleep immediately. Sam stood watching her, unable to tear herself away.

"Hey, food's getting cold," a gentle voice said.

She turned to see Jack standing behind her, an indulgent smile on his face. Sam realised that this Mom thing had caught her completely by surprise. She'd never expected to dote this much.

"You think I'm an idiot," she said.

"No," he replied. "Not if you come and eat."

Laughing, Sam let Jack guide her out of the room. She was so caught up in the sensation of his warm hand on her back, that she didn't notice the figure standing in the hallway. The man she'd never expected to see again.

"Well isn't this nice?"

He took a step towards them, something terrible in his eyes.

"Pete!" Sam gasped.

"I've come for my daughter."


	4. Chapter 4

"Pete!"

Sam had rarely seen Jack so angry… killing angry… where he would put a bullet into someone's head without a second thought. Luckily, for Pete there wasn't a gun within reach… and that someone else got to him first. Cracking a couple of knuckles was a small price to pay for the satisfaction Sam gained from driving her fist into Pete's face.

"You bastard," she hissed, "If you think for a moment that I'm going to let you anywhere near Emily…"

"Court order says otherwise," Pete gasped.

"You got a… Pete, you ran out on us!"

He had the grace to look a little sorry for himself, but not enough for Sam to feel any sympathy for him.

"I don't want that man near my daughter," Pete spat.

"Just wait a second…" Jack began.

"He's already killed one child. Does the name Charlie ring a bell?"

Sam held her breath. How the hell had Pete found out about that?

"What, you think you were the only one I ran a background check on?" Pete answered her unspoken question.

Then Sam realised the terrible truth.

"You never stopped watching me," she whispered. "Even when you left you had people watching me. They told you General O'Neill was here tonight."

"I had to know for sure."

"What? What exactly did you have to know?"

"Me or him. And you proved that the second I was gone."

She felt sick. Physically sick. To think that her every move had been scrutinised. But she hadn't done anything wrong. Sam had to cling onto that fact. She couldn't afford to feel guilty. Pete was the one who had problems. His disappearance, the note, it had all been some kind of deranged test.

The man had struggled back to his feet, dripping blood and Sam had the desire to knock him down again.

"I want my daughter," Pete repeated.

"I'll see your court order… and I'll raise you a presidential one," Jack said, his voice like ice. "I only have to make one call."

Sam could tell he was struggling to control his emotions. That he was stopping himself from beating Pete to a pulp for her sake.

"That what you said before you shot your kid?" Pete sneered.

And Pete was on the floor again.

"This time, stay down," Jack said, adding a kick in the ribs for good measure.

"I'll go public… the Stargate… everything," the prone man gasped.

Pete had played his trump card and he knew it. Sam felt tears in her eyes as she turned to Jack. Surely he wouldn't let this happen? Surely he wouldn't let Pete take Emily? The secrecy surrounding the Stargate was paramount. Was security worth the sacrifice of one little girl? Dimly, Sam heard Emily's cry. High, fearful… she wasn't hungry or wet… just scared. Without another word, Sam turned away from Pete, from Jack and went to see to her daughter.

"Please don't let him take her away," Sam whispered a prayer to a God she was no longer sure she believed in.

She could hear raised voices but she couldn't make out the words… didn't want to make out the words.

The slam of the front door.

Footsteps.

"He's gone," Jack said. "We made a deal."

"What did you tell him?" Sam asked.

"That there was a chance … a chance that Emily was mine."

"Jack…"

"I know what you said, but it got Pete worried enough to go and get a court order for a DNA test. By the time he's got it sorted we'll already know… one way or the other. We can plan accordingly."

Sam nodded. If they went to the SGC now, they could get the results by morning. And then… she didn't know. They'd brought themselves time and nothing more.

Emily cried the whole time they were in the infirmary. She didn't like the smell… or the fact she had a needle stuck into her. Sam found herself turning away when the nurse took the blood, unable to watch her daughter suffer. Jack disappeared after they had been shown to guest quarters and Sam had the feeling he was having a long talk with the President.

Pete's threat to go public might not have been a serious one but Sam knew that they couldn't afford to take any risks. Even if they gave him what he wanted this time there was no saying when he might use the threat again. She had to wonder if, sometime over the next twenty-four hours, Pete Shanahan might not just disappear. Despite everything he had done, Sam didn't want that. Crazy though it might seem she didn't want to see him hurt.

Jack left them alone that night, for which Sam was grateful, but he sat by her side when Dr. Lam presented the test results.

"I'm sorry," were the first words out of her mouth.

Sam closed her eyes. However, much she had wished otherwise, she had known in her heart that Jack wasn't Emily's father.

"Detective Shanahan isn't Emily's father," Dr. Lam finished.

"Excuse me?" Sam questioned.

"Come again?" Jack added.

"I was on the pill."

"And taking antibiotics, which reduces the efficiency," Dr. Lam argued.

"We used a condom," Jack said.

"Which are only 98 effective at best. Look, you can fight about this on your own time, but General O'Neill is Emily's father. Congratulations."

Sam couldn't meet Jack's eyes. She'd put him through all of this… broken his heart and…

"Sir?" she ventured.

"I have a daughter," he smiled.

The grin on his face was goofy and a trifle smug. For a moment Sam was afraid he was going to stand on a chair and do some kind victory dance.

"I'm sorry," was all Sam could say.

"I have a daughter," Jack repeated.

"Yes you do."

Carefully, Sam placed Emily in Jack's arms. She still couldn't understand how this had happened, but she knew one thing… Pete would never touch them again.


End file.
